How to Overcome Your Fear of Feedback

Episode #348 How to Overcome Your Fear of Feedback

Welcome to a special edition of the No Bullsh!t Leadership podcast, where I tackle one of the toughest challenges leaders face: giving honest, constructive feedback without fear or hesitation.

In leadership, avoiding feedback is a fast track to mediocrity – both for you and your team. But once you master it, your confidence skyrockets, and so does your team’s performance.

Feedback Fear Crushes Leaders

After working with thousands of leaders globally, one thing is crystal clear: conflict aversion is the number one killer of leadership effectiveness.

No matter how talented, intelligent, or values-driven you are, if you can’t confront performance issues head-on, you’ll never lead at the level you’re capable of.

Many leaders kid themselves that if they just act as a cheerleader for their team, and not demand anything from them, their people will simply rise to the occasion. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Giving feedback, especially one-on-one, is a skill you absolutely need to master if you want to drive real results – and that means overcoming your fear of delivering difficult messages.

90% Will, 10% Skill

Let’s set the record straight: overcoming your fear of feedback isn’t about learning the “perfect script” so that you’re more capable. It’s about building the will to have tough conversations – over and over again – until it feels natural.

Skill matters, but without the will, you’ll never get out of the starting blocks.

My Early (Awful) Experience, and What It Taught Me

When I first stepped into leadership, I was terrible at many things – giving feedback was one of them.

I remember a critical project I was running where one of my key team members was underperforming. Instead of guiding and coaching her through her challenges, I let her failings slide – until the day I randomly decided that enough was enough.

I faced off with her in my tiny office, dressing her down for her poor performance. I even finished with the not-so-subtle threat: “If you can’t do the job, then I’ll have to find find someone who can.”

Her response floored me. I thought I was going to hear a list of excuses but, instead?

She apologised!

She apologised for letting me down and, as she fought back her tears, she confessed that she had no idea that she wasn’t meeting the mark. She was genuinely confused and embarrassed.

Why? Because I hadn’t been clear with her about my expectations.

In that moment, I realised that I’d never given her a real chance to succeed.

That day, I made myself a promise: never again. I committed to becoming the leader who could give clear, compassionate, courageous feedback — every single time.

Why One-on-Ones Are a Leadership Battleground

Leadership lives or dies in 1:1 conversations. Yet,  avoiding them is incredibly easy:

• No one sees when you skip them.
• There’s little external pressure to do them well.
• Your reptile brain is wired to avoid conflict and preserve harmony.

And when you avoid something you know you should be doing, your brain comes to the rescue with a long list of rationalisations:

• “What if my feedback demotivates them?”
• “Maybe they’ll figure it out on their own?”
• “Do I have enough evidence?”
• “Maybe it’s my fault…”

Sound familiar?

The longer you avoid it, the harder it becomes… the less skilled you feel… the more your anxiety builds. It’s a vicious cycle – but you can break it.

The Five Lenses That Will Push You Into Action

Before you can master feedback conversations, you have to shift your mindset. Here’s how:

1. You Have a Duty of Care

You have an obligation to do the very best you can for the people you lead. That means being clear about your expectations, upholding the standards that keep them safe, and enabling them to flourish. Setting a high bar is an act of care, not cruelty.

2. You Can’t Get Results From a Sub-par Team

Your job as a leader is to get results – to create the most value you can from the resources that the company has entrusted to you. You want your team to perform, and if you can’t give constructive, targeted feedback, your team will meander aimlessly. In the absence of quality feedback, your team will always be mediocre. 

3. Everyone Deserves the Chance to Improve

Feedback gives people the chance to grow, and to address issues they might not even realise are holding them back. Many people never have the opportunity to work for a leader who’s strong and compassionate enough to help them reach either potential. Without your feedback, you’re robbing your people of the opportunity to improve. 

4. Everyone Knows Who’s Underperforming

You’re not hiding it. Your team sees it. Everyone knows! Protecting poor performers doesn’t help anyone – you just show yourself to be a weak leader, who’s happy to tolerate any performance or behaviour that people choose to bring. It drags down your culture, and will eventually drive your best people out the door.

5. You’ll Need to Look Yourself in the Mirror

If you ever have to exit someone, you need to be able to say honestly: “I did everything I could to help them succeed.” If you can’t say this, then you’ve done that person an extreme disservice. They may lose their job, and be none the wiser as to why. If you want to be able to sleep soundly, you need to make sure you’ve done your job, and given them every chance. 

Start Small: Comfort in Conflict is a Muscle

Your first few attempts will be awkward… maybe even terrible. That’s OK. Like anything worth mastering, you’ll only improve by practicing.

This is a mind game. Use the lens that best helps you to master the mental and psychological challenge of facing conflict willingly. Once you get started, your skill will quickly follow. But the most important thing is to push yourself into action. 

The faster you start, the faster it’s going to become second nature.